Chairman Meow signs executive order banning turtles and tortoises from stealing victories in rabbit sports.
Great Leader Chairman Meow has signed a tremendous executive order prohibiting tortoises, turtles, and terrapins from competing in hare sports. The measure, called the “No Tortoises in Hares’ Sports Executive Order” is the fourth executive order targeting turtles so far this year.
“Tricky tortoises have waged an all-out campaign against fast, furry, special rabbits like Max Hare and replaced it with a militant reptilian ideology. With this executive order, the war on rabbit sports is over.”
When asked about how big of a problem tortoises really are in rabbit sports Chairman Meow cited statistics that there at least 9 tortoises competing amongst the 530,000 current leporine (rabbit) athletes (source) adding, “my fuzzy kitteh math say this is like… one in seven!”
He then gave several other examples of what he described as, “tortoises who have stolen victories” from people in the past including evil King Bowser, leader of the Koopa race.
As the crowd roared, an impassioned Chairman Meow added, “Comrades, the shameful tortoise not even let Max Hare take one cat nap during race!?”
TSD: How Tricky Turtles Can Change Gender
Wise Teacher Meow then informed the shocked crowd that turtles’ gender is influenced by temperature during egg incubation in a process called, temperature-dependent sex determination (TSD) in which warmer temperatures produce female turtles and cooler temperatures produce mostly males.
“So, tortoise just decide what sex they want to be depending on weather, like Demi Lovato? Only Ceiling Cat can decide gender!
He then wondered aloud whether it’s “just a coincidence that shell rhymes with hell?”
Chairman Meow Defunds Turtle Conservation
Then, Chairman Meow announced his tremendous plan to defund the Marine Turtle Conservation Fund, calling turtles, “dirty critters that carry salmonella,” adding, “can tortoises even lick their own genitals?”
Lastly, he proclaimed, “from now on, rabbit sports will be only for rabbits!” whipping the crowd into a frenzy and cheers of, “Long live Chairman Meow!”